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According to the founder of psychoanalysis Clement Freud we work for two reasons: to gain reward (get bread) and to find a partner (get head). Imagine a job that guarantees both sex and money? Welcome to the World of Porn. Please wash your hands.

If you want to be big in porn it helps to be big in other areas. Let’s not beat around the bush here it’s an advantage to have a massive ego. That, and a pecker the size of the Eiffel Tower. Without a big part you’re not going to land any meaty roles. Anything under six inches will see you blacklisted. Being rejected by the industry is a painful moment in any young man’s life – and I should know. Because a friend told me.

If you’re a woman a sense of adventure is a must, along with a willingness to be stretched as an actress. Prepare to be stretched like you’ve never been stretched before. Some porn starlets get so stretched so often that they end up having to wearing nappies for the rest of their life. Some people call that shameful, other call it commitment to art.

Sex is a beautiful thing especially in HD but for a porn stud the sex act is far from straightforward. If you cannot maintain blood in your appendage while the camera rolls, you’re out. If you reach fruition too promptly, you’re out. If you can’t reach fruition at all then someone else has to be filmed reaching fruition, and you’re out.

It’s no better for women. If you’re a female star you won’t get to travel with your job (save for up and down), never receive holiday pay and must be prepared to work with animals (though, one hopes, not children).

So however keen you are on coitus, however indefatigable your member and however much you enjoy cupping your own breasts, don’t do it. And I should know because a friend told me.