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Most people would prefer a game of Haydn Seek, a nice Schubert Dip or to spend the afternoon getting Brahms and Liszt rather than have to listen to classical music. This is a shame: there is some wonderful stuff out there if only we could get a Handel on it. The fact that it is written almost exclusively by dead people should not be a hindrance: half of McFly are clinically dead yet they’re still popular.

When it comes to composers the landscape is dominated by the big three: Bach, Beethoven and Mozart. Let’s imagine they play up front. In midfield you’ll find Chopin, Haydn, Tchaikovsky and Handel (four across the middle). At the back lurk Mendelssohn, Brahms and that sh*t Mahler. Plus Vivaldi in goal. And Grieg running the line. Pretty old aren’t they? Indeed it’s interesting that almost all the good stuff was written two hundred years ago. Why has so little memorable music been composed since? Is it that Mozart and his chums stole all the musical combinations and left mere scraps for later generations? This is doubtful: there are many ways to skin a cat. No, one has to put it down to the water in 18th century Europe. What other explanation could there be? Perhaps if Philip Glass or Benjamin Britten had had the opportunity to glug on the same they too would have produced something as memorable as The Four Seasons or News at Ten.

Before you go, what do you get if you cross a canine with a composer? A dog that can Bach.