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These days art is everywhere, and everything is considered to be art. So much so in fact that the phrase ‘so much so’ just sold for £47.6 million at Christie’s.

There were many artistic movements of the 20th century: these include modernism, naturism, splash-it-about, tracing, and the big movement of the 1980s, Rubik’s Cubism. I heart art and have stolen from all the major galleries. My favourite artists include Monet, Manet, Munet, Minet and Rolf Harris. David Lancaster of Crouch End is also excellent and extremely competitive if you want the whole house doing.

Artists often huddle together in alleyways listening to ‘Paint it Black’ on the radio and asking questions like, ‘how do you get the eyes to follow you round the room?’ and ‘who was the first artist to draw breath?’ They also like to compare personal circumstances:

“I’m very poor and hungry and that’s what makes me an artist.”

“Well I’ve sold hundreds of paintings and have a brand new coffee machine and that’s what makes me a cappuccino.”

There are two kinds of artists old ones who could draw, and modern ones who can’t. As the saying goes, those that can do, and those that can’t make a short film of David Beckham taking a nap. Most artists good or bad will at some point attempt a self-portrait. This is a very revealing exercise. For instance when I painted a self-portrait, it revealed that I couldn’t paint (which I never knew before).

As an artist, honesty is the most important thing. Failure to be honest will lose an artist friends and integrity. Honesty compelled my friend Alan to create his Sixth Form art installation project ‘All the People I’ve ever Shot from my Bedroom’. Once the police got involved, the value of the piece sky-rocketed and it was recently bought by Charles Saatchi for a billion pesetas.

Most artists are unhappy so they paint to release their inner turmoil. Once their inner turmoil is released they become happy, and their art suffers. When their art suffers they become unhappy so they paint to release their inner turmoil. This is known as the cycle of the artist-turmoil-happy-turmoil again. To break this cycle, many artists will push needles under their cuticles to remain in a permanent state of anguish. Those who choose not to take this path often end up as painter decorators.

Art is subjective. Study the following example:

“This picture shows the emotional maelstrom of a man close to suicide through the juxtaposition of red and white. What do you think?”

“I think that’s the exit sign.”

Artists often live in ménages-a-huit, have little interest in housework and will invariably choose sex over the washing up. This can be painful but is always exciting and can be stored up and used as material (see Tracy Emin’s three dimensional model ‘All the People I’ve Ever Knobbed on the Hob’).

Most artists accessorise to identify one another in a crowd. This usually takes the form of a beret, a neckerchief, a pipe, or a drinking problem (the p*ss artist). Artists like to make an exhibition of themselves and many drink to excess, or to absent friends. The absent friends in question are most likely dead, dead late or sitting at home looking drawn.