Does your dog deserve ALPO? Do you want to make piles a thing of the past? Or perhaps you can kill all know germs – dead? If the answer to any of these questions is, ‘yuh-huh’, you are most likely destined for a job in advertising. Uncertain? Just do it. You’ll love it, spending hours brainstorming with you colleagues and coming up with slogans like, “Andrex leaves your bottom clean and tidy” So what are you waiting for? Get yourself down to Saaatchi and Saaatchi this instant and if on the way a man you’ve never met before suddenly gives you flowers, that’s Impulse.
Young creatives work tirelessly for peanuts (“Peanuts don’t you just love ’em?”) to devise slogans we can look back on nostalgically yet there’s no real proof advertising works. In fact a recent report reported that if all the money used in advertising was diverted instead to good causes, more people would realise just how disgusting Red Bull is. Further tests have shown it is easier to become an astronaut than it is to break into advertising. To think that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were failed copywriters. Still, Armstrong’s first utterance on the moon (“The moon. Taste the difference.”) proves he had it in him.
I tried to get ahead in advertising once but didn’t have the Latin. It’s a shame: I had a whole host of slogans lined up: “go to work on a whippet”, “make leprosy a thing of the past” and my favourite, “the man from Del Monte says BOO!” AND I was going to revolutionise the industry through the use of advertising on toilet paper. Still, I won’t make a drama out of a crisis. Actually, I’m just as happy integrating famous strap lines into my everyday conversation. Why? Becomes life’s complicated enough as it is. My girlfriend does it too: last night she rolled over and whispered, “it takes two hands to hold a Whopper”. Later, we had a cuddle and there’s me thinking happiness is a cigar called Hamlet.
Actually, the truth is I don’t think I could have cut it in the helter-skelter world of advertising. You see I drank too much Guiness thinking it was good for me, tried to go to work on an egg only to break my coccyx, and I’ve eaten a Mars a day for the last twenty five years. Worst of all and please don’t mock I’m a secret lemonade drinker.