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My Eating History

I don’t know about you – we’ve never met – but I love to eat. I eat all the time, everyday if I can, and it gives me great pleasure. It also gives me terrible indigestion so I carry a strip of Rennies around with me. Sometimes if I’m hungry I’ll eat an entire packet. You wouldn’t think you could get indigestion from eating too many Rennies, but you can.

My life as a career glutton began at birth. I was a born chomper. Whether gumming on a rusk, nibbling on a nip or noming on a nana, my mouth was always full. According to family folklore my first word was ‘hamburger’. That’s precocious in anyone’s book.

As a child I used to express my mental toughness through food. Instructing my mum to make me mustard sandwiches, I would consume them in full view of the prettiest girls in the playground hoping they would swoon for my granite-like taste buds. Eventually I realised it was better to just give them a daisy chain.

As I grew up my tastes broadened: I ate curries, lobsters and quails eggs – and that was just for breakfast. I had a father with a rich palate and an experimental bent. It was haute cuisine in our house every day. The only foodstuff I wouldn’t touch was butter. I had been scarred by early exposure to Last Tango in Paris.

By the time my adolescence began to poke through I was a connoisseur of the good and bad. Sure, I would consume two Big Macs every time I visited McDonalds but at home I knew that I was being fed the best stuff. Strangely, the more I ate the thinner I got. I guess it was down to my height spurt coupled with an addiction to masturbation.

Then came university and the requirement to feed myself. Thankfully I lived close to a take-away that did a tremendous line in doner meat and chips, extra chilli sauce please. Latterly my flatmate took me under his wing. By the time he left I had mastered the four-egg omelette. Straight out of uni I moved to Brighton to busk with my cousin. Whenever we meet, he reminds I used to buy my potatoes in tins.

But now I am a fully signed up member of the cooking classes. What you after? Italian, Moroccan, Thai, traditional? I can do the lot. Just ask my girlfriend about the tagine I made for us last night. Oh hold on, she’s being sick