Wine Taster

Wine taster: now there's a job where you wouldn't mind taking your work home with you. "Darling, I think you've had enough...". "It's work, darling. Could you fetch the crisps please?" The wine tasting process is broken down into four phases: the appearance, the 'in glass' fragrance (that's the bit when you stick your schnoz in), the 'in mouth' sensation and finally the 'finish' (or aftertaste). I'd like to add one of my own: what it tastes like with a kebab. Of course wine tasting is not without its perils. There is always the danger that your mouth could become an alcoholic. Plus the agonising decision that all wine tasters must take: to spit or not to spit, that is the question.

I don't know much about wine but I know what I like (answer: wine). Truth be told, I can't differentiate between a Pinot Noir from a smack in the mouth – which makes it all the more surprising that I recently attended a wine tasting press weekend in Italy. I learnt a few things: that red wine is made by retaining the skins in the wine-making process (everyone else giggled when I asked this question). Also, that it's hard to keep track of how much you have drunk during a tasting session. Indeed it was only when bits of sick appeared at the corners of my mouth that I knew exactly how much I'd had: too much. Still, I was compost mentis enough to take in some of the wine gurgle that was going on: "I'm getting summer fruit..." said Katy. "Rubber, iron and a hint of oil," noted Tim. "Mmm..." pondered Farquhar. "I'm getting reversing down a country lane at 34mph in a Range Rover whilst listening to Radio 3."